Do you have a hard time hearing God’s voice? You know oftentimes I “think” I’m doing just what God wants me to do. However when I remove myself from familiar surroundings and just sit and be still before Him without glancing at my watch and thinking about how I “can only spend about 15 minutes now with you, Lord” all of a sudden I realize that in my “busyness” I had become deaf to my Father’s still, small voice.
Many years ago, Gary’s job took him traveling up to Alaska periodically. And on one such trip I was able to go with him. My sister graciously took care of Jeffrey for a few days, and Gary and I boarded the plane.
It was a long flight, but all of a sudden I found myself looking outside and noticing more and more absolutely gorgeous mountains all around. As a matter of fact, flying into the Anchorage airport, you are totally surrounded by such mountains. I was flabbergasted – struck with absolute awe of the beauty I was beholding.
As we got our rental car and started on our drive to the hotel, I was constantly moved with the more relaxed pace of the area. Rush hour? There really wasn’t one. Just a few more cars on the road than usual. Downtown? Easy to find parking, without the frantic pace of Seattle.
I sat in the hotel room during the days Gary was working, and as I read, prayed and studied the bible I felt closer to the Lord than I had for a long time. But some of the things I was hearing were a little painful because my loving Father revealed to me that I had been living in disobedience.
You see, ever since we lost our boys (Light Shines Through the Darkness), Gary was really having a hard time living in the same house in which we had shared so many wonderful times, particularly with our son Matthew. Gary really wanted to move after losing Matthew – even possibly out of the whole area. And we certainly could have, as Gary’s job covered a couple different states, plus part of Canada.
Yet me? As hard as it was sometimes to stay in the house, I just couldn’t bear the thought of moving away. It would just be too hard. So I pushed back – putting my own selfish feelings ahead of my husband’s.
But now as I was spending quiet uninterrupted time with my Lord, I started seeing things from a very different perspective. I was beginning to think it may be time to move, after all. What??? Was this the same person who had been so unwilling to give up the safety and familiarity of her home? Of her family? Of the comfortableness of Jeffrey’s school and his therapists? What on earth was happening?
Wait – this is You, Lord, isn’t it? You have been waiting for me to let go of all the “comfortable” things in my life so You can work this peace; this willingness to just “let go and trust.”
And here I had been thinking I’d really been doing a good job NOT holding onto “material things” in this world. Yikes!
I had been holding my home and familiar surroundings as a type of idol! Familiarity isn’t always where God wants us, is it?
So have you been using Gary all this time to test me, Lord? To show me that I have been living in disobedience – not to just my husband’s wishes, but to You as well? I’ve been saying I’m living trusting You, but instead, in fact, that’s been a lie, hasn’t it?
I absolutely LOVE the Lord’s sense of humor. As I finished my quiet time and started my bible lesson up popped the question: “Is God asking you to do something for Him?” I just started laughing. Why? Well of course the Lord knew I was going to do this particular lesson this morning, and this was the perfect confirmation that I had been saying one thing, yet doing another.
The lesson continued by having us turn to Isaiah 6, which talks of Isaiah’s commission to do the Lord’s work. Verse 8 says: “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!'”
My trip to Anchorage ended in such peace. The Lord will speak to us, and there are so many different ways He can choose to do so. That trip He spoke to me using His creation, along with His written word, the bible.
My prayer continues to be: “Where do You want me, Lord – send and use me!” And I know when I start to wander again, the Lord will again in His mercy and grace send words to me to draw me back into His fold.
All praise, glory and honor to You, dear Lord…