Love – Why Can’t I Find It?

Back in the 1960’s the Beatles had a hit song called All You Need Is Love.  I was very young when it first came out, but remember hearing it years later when I was in my teens.  The title really is true, isn’t it?  We all need love.

This is the third post in my series of Becoming What I Came To Be.  And for those of you who might be wondering where I’m going with all of these, please hang in there with me.  It’s my hope and prayer that once these are completed, you will all realize that no matter what, you do have a choice in how you turn out as an adult!

As I mentioned previously, I definitely struggled while growing up – particularly when I got into my teen years.  Ugh, life was really hard.

img_0489Particularly after my dad disappeared from our lives, I began to really feel lost and alone.  My mom and I didn’t get along too well, and I certainly didn’t feel like I was making a whole lot of friends at school.  Why didn’t people like me?

Oh, I could think of so many answers to that question, and would constantly beat myself up about my many perceived inefficiencies.

Then it happened…

I knew a gal at school who was lonely and unpopular, just like me.  But she had a brother who was a couple years older that I thought was absolutely to die for!

I began wheedling myself into this gal’s inner circle (which wasn’t hard because she didn’t have many friends either).  I really wanted her to start inviting me over to her house so that I might be able to see her brother.

And so she eventually did.  Remember, I was becoming quite good at befriending others who were struggling with their lives (Kindness – Not Me).

I was 15 years-old at that time, and really very naïve about a lot of stuff.

My “friend’s” parents worked, and often when I would go over to her house, her brother and his friend would be there (my friend liked this other guy).

At first they really didn’t pay much attention to us silly girls, but after awhile we noticed that they were really starting to be nice to us.  I was enamored and love-stricken.  This cute guy actually likes me!

Then the day came when my friend’s brother asked me to go into his bedroom with him.  When I hesitated, he looked so sad!  He started saying how he really like me, and blah-de-blah.  Since I certainly didn’t want to mess up the relationship, I went in his room with him, and – well I’m sure you can guess what happened…

After that day I was positive we would be hanging out at school together, but instead he never came around me.  As a matter of fact, it seemed he went out of his way to avoid seeing me altogether.  But when I went over to my friend’s house?  He was all nice again!

I hate to admit it took a few weeks until it finally sunk in my brain as to what was happening, and when I did I was crushed.  How could he have been so mean?

romans 8_35To make matters worse, after that time it almost seemed at school like I was wearing a sign around my neck which said “easy pickin'” (or something like that).  I again was clueless at first, wondering why so many other guys seemed to all of a sudden be paying attention to me – even asking me out to parties!

But soon it became clear exactly why they were asking me out.

Let me just say right here that I wish I would’ve turned away and learned a valuable lesson from my mistake with my friend’s brother, but I didn’t.  I gave in to other guys – repeatedly.

Why?  Because I was certain the next guy “would surely be the one.”  I was convinced the next guy would realize that I really was a nice person, and that I was worthy of love.

It says in 1 Corinthians 13:4-5:  “Love is patient and kind.  Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.  It does not demand its own way.  It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.”  (NLT – emphasis mine.)

I didn’t learn about “real” love until after I met my husband Gary when I was 19 years-old.  And yes, I’ve kicked myself many times over the years on how stupid I was, but you know what?  God has forgiven me and washed my slate clean.  And, I have forgiven myself.

Next week:  Looking for peace – in a lot of wrong stuff.



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