As I mentioned in my last post Enough of This Whole School Thing, back at my awesome job at the pancake house one day they hired a new fry cook, and I was smitten! To make it even better, he liked me too. We started dating – a lot! As a matter of fact we were together pretty much every time we were both off work. I was back living at home during this time, and believe it or not, mother even liked this guy!
But then one day something new happened in my life that I certainly was not prepared for: I found out I was pregnant.
Oh how I wish I would have known the Lord back then! Yet I did not, and since God was not a part of my life at that point, my boyfriend and I decided the best thing we could do was abort the baby. After all, I was only 17 years-old. We had our careers to work on – I certainly wasn’t mature enough to have a baby!
There was no way I was ready to pass along this information to mother right then, so my boyfriend and I went to the local Planned Parenthood, and found out the steps that we needed to take to have an abortion.
It was very easy to get it scheduled, but then I needed to tell mother about it, and that was very difficult. She was livid! However my mind was made up, and since she really was getting tired of fighting with me about everything, in for the abortion I went.
A lot of the details of this particular portion of my life are quite foggy, but I remember the procedure went very quickly, and then I went and stayed home with mother for a few days to recuperate.
I remember mother coming into talk with me one day while I was laying in bed resting. I remember her telling me how difficult the past years had been on her with me being so belligerent and difficult to take care of, and it seems to me that we had a very heart-wrenching but sweet discussion about where my life was going.
She then told me that once I was fully healed that she wanted me to move out of the house for good. No more bouncing back and forth like a rubber ball. I remember being happy, but also somewhat sad. Mother and I rarely had serious heart-to-heart talks throughout the years – I had always been closer to my dad. Had I really been hurting her so very much?
A few days after that I moved all my stuff out and stayed with a girlfriend for a time. Then I moved in with my boyfriend. We ended up getting married 2 years later. I was 19 years-old.
As I end my post today, I need to share that you have no idea how difficult this is to talk about. Yet I know I needed to write about it because there are other young women out there who have found – or will find – themselves in the same position I was in. What to do?
As I mentioned above, I really wish I would have known the Lord back then. You see, I really didn’t give much thought to what I was doing. I really can’t remember whether I ever even thought this is a baby I’m killing…
I can’t tell you how proud it makes me when I hear of young women who have been in the same position deciding to go through with delivering the baby, and then giving the baby up for adoption if they are unable to care for the child. But you see, I’ve spent the majority of my life thinking of me first, others second. Yet I’m free now, I’m forgiven, and my prayer is that talking about situations such as this will help other women know that even when you make mistakes, you need to do the right thing.
Lord, thank you for your mercy, and thank you for your Amazing Grace.