What a Wretched [Wo]man I Am!

My mind has a habit of returning often to the WAA-WAA, oh poor me thing – yuk!  And it indeed came pouring upon me that summer before Jeffrey started kindergarten, after we had gotten back from our vacation where I had heard the Lord speak to me so clearly (God Does Speak To Us – Really!).

Years before, after Gary and I lost our 2 year-old son, Matthew (The Day When Jesus Became Real), a friend had connected me with a dear gal who lived in another state, who had also lost a healthy 2 year-old son.  Her and her husband were strong Christians, and my new friend really helped me through those days when things just seemed so overwhelming.


Then came the day when this friend shared with me that her husband had developed a tumor in his brain, and he was only given a couple months to live.  This news, naturally, had been devastating for my friend, yet her and her husband accepted it as God’s will and continued their witness of God Almighty through even the roughest days, trusting in that whatever God’s plan was for them, they just wanted to bring as many people to Jesus as possible through their pain and trials.

Anyway – going back to the beginning of my story – Gary, Jeffrey and I had just gotten back from vacation, when I received a call from my new friend stating her husband’s brain tumor had been completely healed!  The doctors were all amazed, and they were getting calls from all over the country wondering how that could have happened.  Yet we all knew the Lord had miraculously healed him.  My friend and I sat on the phone shouting and praising our great God.

But then a couple days later, what happened?  I’ll tell you what – my mind started whirling into overdrive and I became a selfish, whiny brat as I again started to feel tremendously sorry for myself, because, after all, why hadn’t this happened yet to Jeffrey?  Why hadn’t God healed him?

Oh, my mind!  Up and down I went:  I loved and admired them both so much – and was so excited for them – yet then I’d start whining to myself about how it should’ve happened for us too…

testIt took a lot of deliberate praying and seeking the Lord’s face asking for His forgiveness, that’s for sure!  I had to force my mind to think about “whatever [was] true … noble … right … admirable … excellent or praiseworthy…” (Philippians 4:8 NIV).

So it was that I wrote in my journal that day:

How I admire [my new friend’s] unswaying faith!  Here I am continuing to whine because our dear Lord has failed to heal Jeffrey!  What about His plan?  I will not give up my hope for total healing, but I must always remember to praise God for every situation that comes our way.  I praise Him now for the job opportunity that has come Gary’s way [which will bring in] more money and less travel.  Do we deserve this – of course not!  Our loving Father just sent this our way to again show us how majestic and awesome He is!  Majesty, worship His majesty…

As with all of us, God knows exactly what’s going in our minds, and will meet us right where we are – if we let Him!  And He will not condemn us (Romans 8:1).

So, yes, my mind does start thinking some wretched things sometimes, yet I’m thankful for the words of the Apostle Paul – even he struggled with doing what he just didn’t want to do (Romans 7:21-25)!  So I’ll end this post the same way I started it – but with the added hope that our Lord gives:

What a wretched [wo]man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord! … (v. 24-25 NIV)


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